


We Made It Before

by AdoreAdore54



Series: The Adventures of James Buchanan Barnes and his Deserumed Boyfriend [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: De-Serumed Steve Rogers, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Crack, M/M, Non-Serum Steve Rogers/Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes | Shrinkyclinks, Sort Of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-09-03 01:57:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16754704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AdoreAdore54/pseuds/AdoreAdore54
Summary: ”Mr. Stark requests that all Avengers meet him in the communal area on the first floor."“Have he and Bruce found a way to change me back?”“No, Captain. It seems that your situation has become public knowledge.”--Steve's getting sick of being unable to leave the Avengers Compound. Bucky's getting sick of trying to keep track of the five-foot-four mass of pent-up rage.Part three of my de-serumed Steve fic.





	We Made It Before

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings for Bucky having a slight panic attack in this one, with mentions of PTSD.

_”Mr. Stark requests that all Avengers meet him in the communal area on the first floor.”_

Bucky’s brushing his teeth at time of Friday’s announcement, but luckily Steve responds for the both of them.

“Thanks, Friday.” Bucky doesn’t think he’ll ever stop finding it cute how polite Steve is to the AI. “Have he and Bruce found a way to change me back?”

“Not yet, Captain, I believe they are still working on that. Another matter requires your attention.”

“A mission?” Steve’s voice is uncertain, and Bucky gets why. It’s unlikely that in the event of one of their missions, which usually involve nation-, if not planet-wide, threats, Stark would politely _request_ a meeting.

“No, Captain. It seems that your situation has become public knowledge.”

“Shit.”

\---

Bucky and Steve walk into the communal area five minutes later to find Tony talking with Rhodey and Pepper. Sam, who’s sitting next to Natasha on one of the couches, looks up from his phone and offers a wave in their direction. Natasha doesn’t acknowledge them, but Bucky doesn’t mind; she, like him, is not a morning person.

Given the fact that the rest of the team appear to be yet to join them, and no one in the room seems particularly stressed, Bucky figures they’ve probably got time to grab some breakfast before Stark’s meeting starts. 

When they settle down on the couch across from Sam and Natasha with their coffee and cereal, Stark seems to notice their arrival.

His eyes linger on Steve for longer than usual, and Bucky has to force down his instinct, honed through years of stepping in to defend Steve from guys looking for someone easy to pick a fight with, to square up to anyone staring at Steve when he’s small like this, reminding himself that it took him a good while to get used to seeing Steve like this again this morning and he grew up with the guy, so it’s only natural that the other members of the team are going to spare him the odd curious glance.

Then Tony’s eyes drift to him and a frown falls across his face. 

“What happened to your arm?”

Bucky can’t resist. He doesn’t miss a beat before he replies, “lost it when I fell off a train.”

Natasha snorts at the same time that Steve admonishes him with a sharp _”Bucky!”_ because, okay, yeah, maybe Steve’s still not quite ready for Bucky to joke about that.

He glances at Steve with an apologetic smile, and Steve just rolls his eyes. Okay so he’s not in trouble, that’s good.

“Your other arm, asshole. Your shoulder,” Tony says.

Bucky glances down to the fading teeth marks on his right shoulder, almost healed already due to the serum but still visible next to the sleeve of his tank.

“Steve takes things too literally,” he responds.

Tony just looks perplexed, but Bucky doesn’t explain further, just turns to Steve, happy to leave the blond to dig himself out of this hole. Steve, never one to back down from a challenge, doesn’t break eye contact with Bucky as he answers. 

“Buck said my bark was worse than my bite.”

“Oh thank god,” Tony sounds surprisingly relieved. “I thought it was gonna be some weird geriatric sex thing.”

Bucky snorts at the blush that creeps to Steve’s cheeks, and turns to Tony with a smirk. 

Sam, who probably knows far too much about their relationship already being Steve’s closest friend in this century, promptly gets up from where he’s been sitting on the couch and walks over to the kitchen, mumbling something about needing coffee.

Bucky sees the moment the penny drops when Stark’s expression turns to a strange mix of horrified and intrigued. 

“It is. It’s a sex thing. I don’t know how to feel right now, this is very confusing.”

“What’s confusing?” Bruce asks as he enters the room, but before Tony can answer, and he really does look like he’s about to recount the whole conversation, Steve cuts in.

“Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Apart from this whole media situation.”

“Right.” Bruce clearly knows that’s not what Tony was referring to but is either entirely too exhausted with the never ending _Avengers Compound gossip_ to care, or knows full well that Tony will fill him in later. Probably both, Bucky decides. Poor guy. 

Luckily Wanda and Vision walk into the room and Tony declares the meeting officially begun now that they’re all here, before promptly handing over to Pepper to do the explaining.

It turns out that someone managed to get a video of the Falcon carrying a miniature Captain America through the air as Sam flew the two of them out to meet the med team immediately after Steve had been de-serumed. The image hadn’t made its way to the press straight away – the guy apparently didn’t realise what he had, he’d left his camera filming on top of his building, something about wanting to film birds, and not checked the recording until the next morning – but was quick to sell to the highest bidder when he realised what he’d inadvertently captured.

Apparently, Pepper had spent the morning getting paparazzi escorted off the premises and doing any damage control she could, but the news had already spread too far to be contained completely. Until they could calm the situation a little, the Avengers were on complete media lock-down. No information was to get from any of them to the outside world.

Bucky doesn’t have to see Steve to know he’s looking at Pepper apologetically – as if this is any way his fault.

“Media lock-down? Are you sure? Maybe I should do a press conference. Confirm their suspicions and tell them all to back off?” Steve suggests.

“Yeah, there’s no way that will work,” Tony replies. “Tried the whole transparency thing when I told them I was Iron Man. They didn’t back off, just got way more invested.”

Bucky knows that’s not the answer Steve, whose methods of coping with problems have always been more along the lines of recklessly running straight at them and confronting them head-on, rather than keeping quiet and hoping things blow over, wanted to hear.

“I’m sorry, Steve,” Pepper adds, the sincerity of her apology clear in her voice, “The best thing you can do right now is keep your head down.”

“Yeah it’s best that you lie low for a while, Cap. Take a break. Stay safe.”

Bucky cringes. He knows Stark means well with his comment – just trying to lighten the mood in his typical Stark way – but that is _not_ what Steve needed to hear.

Sure enough Steve’s expression has gone from one of disgruntled resignation to one of resolute disagreement. Bucky is far too familiar with that face.

He can’t blame the other members of the team for not quite getting it. They’ve only know Steve as Captain America – big, strong, righteous Captain America. They’re probably not expecting that dogged determination and commitment to do the right thing to manifest itself with the same level of force in Steve’s current small state. They’ve not had years of witnessing Steve’s frustration with the world come out in the manner of a man who’s perpetually pissed off that he’s constantly being told that there’s nothing he can do to help - _leave it to the bigger boys, son_ \- who’s used to having to prove his worth, even if he can’t do so through his physical strength.

“This is ridiculous. I can do more than just _stay safe_ indoors and wait for all this to blow over. I survived for twenty-odd years in this body. I survived the Great Depression, for god’s sake.”

Bucky contemplates putting a hand on Steve’s thigh as a sign to relax, but he’s honestly enjoying the slightly stunned expressions of their team-mates at being cussed out by a five-foot-four mass of pent-up rage.

Tony’s the first to respond. “Well, yeah, but you weren’t the specific target of supervillains back then.”

To Bucky’s surprise, before Steve can respond, Bruce speaks up.

“He’s right, Steve. There are far too many people out there who wouldn’t think twice before killing you to make a point. Doesn’t matter what size you are to them, except now you’re less able to fight back. Don’t let them win.”

“But if I stay in here, hiding from them, then they’ve already won.”

Steve’s voice has gone quiet which, Bucky knows, means he’s either about to stand down for now, or he’s going to get up and do something incredibly stupid before anyone stops him. Like walking right out of the door and telling any would-be Captain America assassins where to get off.

It’s time for the calming hand on the thigh.

When Steve turns to look at him, Bucky gives him his best ‘ _don’t-you-dare-put-your-life-at-risk-after-we’ve-just-found-each-other-again-you-might-be-prepared-to-gamble-with-your-life-but-I-sure-as-hell-ain’t’_ look. Steve seems to understand him, or at least is able to garner some words to the effect, because he lets out a frustrated sigh and slumps a little in his seat.

“Okay,” Tony’s tone is hesitant, “so now that… whatever that was… has happened, and we’re all clear that no one but Pepper is going to speak to the press,” he throws a pointed look at Steve, “everyone can get on with their days. Class dismissed.”

\---

For the first few hours of “lock-down” (as they’ve taken to calling it), things seem fine. Everyone goes about their business as normal, doing whatever it is they all do while they wait for aliens to attack or for guys with alien tech to decide they want to be the next supervillain. From what Bucky can work out, it seems that most of the jobs the Avengers do when they’re not fighting bad guys revolve around paperwork. This was not the lifestyle he was promised in the science fiction novels he’d read as a kid. After a while of reading the latest report on their last case while Steve sketches in the corner of their room – because the stubborn asshole has decided that if he’s not allowed on missions then he’s certainly not doing any admin related to missions – Bucky finds himself drifting off into sleep. 

He wakes a while later to an oddly quiet room. Not something he would have noticed once upon a time, but to his serum-enhanced ears, the silence in the room without the sounds of Steve’s pencil scratching on his notepad is deafening. He checks the clock and sees he’s been out for a couple of hours.

“Steve?” He knows there’s not going to be a response before he asks. Their apartment within the Compound is small, if Steve were in hearing distance of his calling, Bucky would already have been able to hear him moving around.

He sighs.

“Friday, where’s Steve?”

“Captain Rogers has asked not to be disturbed.”

“Okay, understood, but can you tell me where he is anyway?”

“Captain Rogers has asked not to be disturbed. I cannot give out his location unless it is an emergency.”

“For fuck’s sake, Steve,” Bucky mumbles to himself.

“Would you like me to leave him that as a message, Sergeant?” The AI’s tone is as innocent and helpful as normal, but he’s sure that she’s messing with him. He’s always suspected that she doesn’t like him.

“No, Friday, I would not like you to leave that as a message,” he pauses, then adds, “Thank you,” just in case the robots ever do take over and his arm isn’t enough to convince them he’s one of them. He probably shouldn’t have watched The Matrix.

He heads down to the main communal area knowing full well that Steve won’t be there if he wants privacy, but hoping someone else might have seen where he went.

He finds Natasha and Sam hanging out in the sitting room playing some kind of card game that he’s never seen before but that looks far too complicated to be fun.

“Either of you seen Steve recently?”

“Have you lost him?” Natasha asks without looking up from her deck.

“If he’s snuck out and gone to the press, Pepper is going to kill you. Literally.” Sam adds. “And then probably kill us too for leaving him with someone as clearly irresponsible as you.”

Bucky rolls his eyes at the both of them, knowing that at the very least Natasha will see it despite ostensibly not looking at him.

“He’s in the Compound somewhere, Friday would have altered us if not.”

“So you have lost him?”

“I haven’t _lost_ him. I fell asleep and he snuck off like the sulky teenager he is – and, no, that’s not a reference to his height – he’s always like that, he just pretends not to be in front of everyone else so that he can keep up his good guy persona.”

“Oh no, I know he’s a sneaky asshole,” Natasha smiles at him, her voice fond. “That’s one of the many reasons I love him.”

“Wait,” Sam also looks up at him, and Bucky thinks it was actually less unnerving to have them both ignoring him than it is to have them both looking at him with mischievous expressions like this. “You fell asleep? You’re an enhanced super-soldier and you had an afternoon nap and lost your boyfriend?”

Natasha snorts with laughter.

“I hate both of you. And, for the last time, he isn’t lost. And, yes, I fell asleep but I’m a hundred years old and I was up all night getting fucked into the mattress by said boyfriend, so excuse me if I’m a little tired today.”

Sam chokes as Natasha snorts again, and Bucky decides it’s a good time to leave before they see his smug expression.

\---

He eventually finds Steve in one of the barely-used gyms on the fifth floor. The blonde’s too engrossed in beating the living shit out of a punch-bag to notice him at first and Bucky has to clear his throat to get his attention.

Steve turns and smiles guiltily when he sees Bucky.

“Oh, hey. Was wondering when you’d show up.”

“It would’ve been a lot quicker if you’d’ve let Friday tell me where you were.”

Steve frowns. “I didn’t tell her not to tell you.”

Bucky glares at the ceiling. “Friday?”

“Captain Rogers asked not to be disturbed.”

"Yes, but I didn't say Bucky couldn't know where I was."

"My apologies, Captain. I must have misunderstood."

“See? I knew she didn’t like me.”

Steve sighs and walks over to one of the benches at the side of the room, unwrapping the bandages from his hands as he does so.

Bucky joins him and watches him quietly for a moment.

He has a vague memory of this. Of watching Steve, exhausted and sweating, unwind after going a few rounds with a punch-bag, determined that, despite all odds, he was going to get fit enough to join the army one day. 

He tries to hold on to the images flashing through his mind, but it’s like catching a reflection in water. He’s getting better at remembering his past life as time goes on, talking with Steve and seeing a therapist have certainly helped with that, but there are still times when things escape him. And, try as he might, he can’t help but get frustrated with himself when there are things he can’t recall. It’s not his fault, he knows it’s not his fault, but sometimes knowing that makes him feel worse. It reminds him of what was done to him. Of what he did to others. And once he starts to go down that path, it gets hard to stop and turn around.

“Hey, Buck, you alright?”

But he has to. He can’t let himself go there. It’s hard, it’s always hard, but he can do it. He knows how. He has to remind himself every time, and every time it’s difficult, but he’s beginning to get used to pulling himself back.

“Buck? You with me?”

He shuts his eyes and breathes. Holds onto Steve’s voice in his ear. Feels the hard surface of the bench beneath him, the warmth of Steve’s hand on his shoulder – present and reassuring.

Opens his eyes, finds Steve’s. Sees the concern there, but also the understanding. Concentrates on Steve, on the fact that he’s here and he knows what to do. Reminds himself that, even if he did get lost down that path, Steve would find him again. 

“You with me?” Steve repeats, but this time it’s with a note of relief. Bucky nods and runs his hands over his face, before reaching for Steve’s hand on his shoulder, taking it in his own. “It’s alright.”

Bucky looks down at Steve’s hand, so small against his own. “I’m sorry, I-“

“No,” Steve’s shaking his head. “No apologising for that, you know the rule.”

Bucky lets out a huff of air; of course this is the one rule Steve sticks to.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Bucky nods, but doesn’t quite know what to say yet. Steve doesn’t push him, just lets him sit there in silence, Steve’s hand clasped between his fingers. Bucky turns Steve’s hand over and rubs his thumb over his knuckles. They’re red and slightly swollen from hitting the punch-bag, despite the bandages Steve had wrapped around them. No doubt Steve was hitting too hard, not paying attention to his smaller body’s limits. 

“Does that hurt?” He asks.

Steve looks at his knuckles as if noticing the swelling for the first time.

“Nah, I’m fine.”

It’s a lie, there’s no way his injuries aren’t causing him any pain, but Bucky doesn’t push. Just like how Steve knows when pushing Bucky to talk about his past won’t help, Bucky can sense when attempting to force Steve to admit something he’s stubbornly denying won’t make a difference. He doesn’t remember a time when he wasn’t able to sense that about Steve, and this time he doesn’t think it’s his memory playing tricks on him. He thinks it’s probably just something he’s always known. Something they’ve always known about each other.

He thinks he’s ready to talk now.

“Did we used to do this?” He gestures around at the gym, hoping Steve gets what he’s asking, relieved when Steve smiles and nods in understanding.

“You used to let me into the boxing gym you worked at after-hours so I could use the equipment.” Steve’s smile is fond, and Bucky feels some of the anxious feeling still weighing on his chest getting pushed out by a rush of warmth. He can imagine that. He tries marrying the idea of the two of them sneaking into the gym late at night with the images he can recall of Steve using the punch-bag, of trying to give the smaller man tips on technique whilst also trying to listen and make sure no one was about to come in and find them in there when they shouldn’t be. Yeah, he thinks, that makes sense. 

“Why is it that every time you remind me about a memory, it involves you doing something that’d get us both in trouble?”

Steve grins at him. “Not _every_ time.”

“Near enough. You’re a bad influence.”

“You’ve always loved me for it though.”

“Yeah, I suppose so.” Bucky smiles down at the blond and squeezed his hand. “Is that why you’re down here now? Secretly trying to get into shape when you know the best thing to be doing is staying safe?”

Steve sighs and rolls his eyes. “I’m safe here.”

“You know what I mean. What if you hurt yourself?"

“The serum will fix it.”

“And if it doesn’t?”

“It will.”

"Steve-"

"Bucky!"

"No, come on, listen to me. You've gotta take care of yourself."

"It's fine. Bruce will sort it."

“Well what if Bruce’s idea doesn’t work?”

Steve’s gaze snaps up to meet Bucky’s sharply, and Bucky’s stomach drops.

It’s the first time either of them has acknowledged the possibility that this might be irreversible. Bucky immediately wants to take back how he brought it up.

“Shit, Steve, sorry. I didn’t mean that. Of course Bruce will fix it.”

“No you’re right,” Steve’s voice is small and he looks down at his feet, breaking Bucky’s gaze. “There’s no guarantee that he’ll be able to.”

Bucky opens his mouth to disagree. Pauses. Tries again. Stops. He doesn’t want to lie to Steve. Besides, they both know it’s true, and now they’ve broken their unspoken agreement not to mention it, there’s no going back.

“Bruce is a brilliant man, he’s got the best minds in the world working with him, using the best equipment, and they’re funded by Stark’s never-ending cash-flow. The chances of them not finding a solution are slim.”

“It could still take them years.”

“And would that be so bad?”

“Buck-“

“No, just listen to me a moment. Just imagine it for a second. Imagine Bruce can’t do anything to reverse this. What then? You just give up? You decide that because you can’t go back to the way you’ve been since the serum, you’re gonna stop trying? Or you just keep beating yourself up physically as well as mentally? Keep pushing yourself to the limit until you can’t push any more?”

“Bucky-“

“No! I’m not done.” Bucky feels the tears start to prick behind his eyes, and, yeah, maybe this has been bothering him more than he’d acknowledged even to himself, but now it’s out in the open, he’s got to say it.

“You said it yourself, you’ve lived like this before. You made it through so much before the serum. And even then - _especially then_ \- you were strong. You didn’t give up, and you’re sure as hell not giving up now. And you’re not gonna push yourself so hard you break. Because that’s just giving up in another way. You’re gonna handle it. We’re in this together, just like we always were. And you’re gonna listen to me when I tell you that you’re doing too much, because, just like then, you know I’m right, and, just like then, I can’t fucking lose you, okay?”

Steve’s staring at him, a shocked expression on his face, and Bucky almost feels guilty – after all, he doesn’t blame Steve for reacting the way he does. He takes a deep breath and tries again, more gently this time. 

“Okay?”

Steve lowers his gaze for a moment, his absurdly long eyelashes casting shadows across his cheeks, then meets Bucky’s eyes again and nods.

“Okay, Buck.”

\---

Later that evening everyone’s gathered in the main communal area once again, only this time the only item on the agenda is deciding which film to watch. Bucky’s sitting alone in one of the huge armchairs, half watching Natasha and Tony fight over the remote half thinking about the day’s events.

He’s not seen Steve since he left the gym, Steve asking for some time to think after assuring Bucky he was fine and explicitly telling Friday to keep Bucky updated as to his whereabouts if he was worried, and Bucky didn’t know whether he’d show tonight. Despite Steve’s instructions to Friday, Bucky had resisted asking where Steve was this time, deciding it was best to give him some privacy. He trusts that Steve wasn’t going to do anything reckless or stupid following their talk. But with each passing moment Steve doesn’t show, Bucky’s getting more concerned.

By the time everyone’s settled down and the film has begun, Bucky has given up hope that Steve will be joining them tonight, and sags back dejectedly into the cushions, hoping that Steve will be ready to talk when he returns to their room after the film at least. 

He resigns himself to an evening without Steve and tries to pay attention to the movie, not too sure what’s going on, having not paid attention to the first few minutes, but given that it's animated and seems to be for children, he guesses it won’t take him too long to catch up.

He’s still trying to work out why the main character keeps getting called ‘Marlin’ when he’s clearly a clownfish, when he hears the door behind him open. He turns to see Steve’s small frame silhouetted against the light from the corridor. He seems to be hesitating, unsure of whether to join them or not.

Luckily Tony makes that decision for him. “Come in and shut the door, the light’s distracting me from the movie!”

For once, Bucky’s glad that Stark’s intervened, as Steve hurriedly steps into the room.

He stops by the side of Bucky’s chair, and Bucky silently moves over so he can squeeze in next to him, relief flooding him when Steve does so.

Once they’re both settled, Steve half on Bucky’s lap despite the enormous size of the chair, Bucky leans over so he can whisper in Steve’s good ear.

“I’m sorry about earlier.”

The light from the screen catches Steve’s cheekbones as he turns to face Bucky, illuminating half of his face in a way that makes the sharp angles look soft, and Bucky just wants to reach out and touch.

“There’s no need to be. You’re right. I’m sorry too.”

“We okay?”

“Always. Like you said, we’re in this together.” Steve leans up and presses their lips together and Bucky gives in to his desire and cups Steve’s cheek in his palm.

Steve pulls and turns to the screen. After a moment, Bucky leans into his ear and murmurs, “we’ll have you back out fighting for the little guy soon enough. Even if you stay as the little guy. We just gotta be make sure it’s safe.”

“Yeah?”

“Swear. Maybe Stark will make you a suit.”

Steve snorts at that. “Yeah right.”

“Granpas in the corner: either pay attention to the film or go make out in your room and leave us in peace.”

“Sorry, Stark,” Bucky replies, but can’t quite keep the note of laughter from his voice.

“We better do what he says or I’ll never get a suit,” Steve whispers.

“That’s not gonna last.”

“Oh just tell me what’s happening in the movie, you jerk.”

“Okay,” Bucky smiles and stretches, moving them so they’re in a more comfortable position, before beginning to explain what he’s gathered about the movie so far. 

“So there’s this clownfish called Marlin – confusing I know – and I think he’s lost or something…”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments are always more than appreciated! <3


End file.
